its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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