im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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