You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I had to cum in my sink.
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