Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
