dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
