mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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