Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
