Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Randomize
