I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
