you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
