Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
