I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
