I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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