I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
