Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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