my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
