In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
