Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
