I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
