Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
40s are totally the cure
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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