while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
