Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
