Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
