She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize