um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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