i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
