Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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