pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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