Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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