hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
