I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
as a side note pls kill me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
