I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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