We won't sleep together?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She bit a glass in half.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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