the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize