She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
