I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
