I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
