He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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