i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
