Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize