So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize