True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
