do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
