i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You're like the curious george of whores
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Drunk is not a location!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
