I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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