Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
