She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize