I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
