pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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