i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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