I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize