You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
