I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sorry about my life...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
