I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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