i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize