I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
