Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
