The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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