we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
