yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I want a musical about memes.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
