Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
