Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
