Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize