Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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