If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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