Someone shit on the floor
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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