i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
