I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
whose ass print is on the piano?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Shame - the story of my life.
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