ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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